Let's talk anxiety

I've brought this issue up previously, and I think it's time it comes up again. Mental health is something I am extremely passionate about and anxiety is something I have been dealing with now for years.

I experience panic attacks. For those of you who don't know or have never had a panic attack, it is probably the worst feeling you could ever feel. There was a study done with people who had experienced both a heart attack and panic attacks which found that panic attacks were far more frightening and disabling! I hope this puts it into perspective a little! 

When I have a panic attack, it feels like extreme fear, and my 'flight or fight kicks in'. I'm usually more of a flighter, I get out of the situation as soon as possible to reduce the feeling, but this only feeds the panic and makes it worse causing me to avoid.. well life. 

The physical sensations can vary but include dizziness, trembling hands and legs, numbness in the extremities, dry mouth, rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, blurred vision, churning sensation in the belly, rapid bowel movements - pretty much everything in the body is affected. 

My attacks got even more severe when I had to stop driving. I had lost my independence. I was holding on to that last bit of control I had, I couldn't handle being a passenger in the car and was always the driver. I wasn't venturing far from my home at the time. After I realised it was too unsafe to continue to drive I knew I had to stop. At the time I also quit my job because of my vision issues and anxiety. I decided that it was time for me to start from scratch, and so I hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom felt like a big, dark hole that engulfed me from every direction. All the light was sucked out and I was stuck, too scared to move forward. I got to the point where I could no longer leave the house and even looking out the window brought on an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and fear. 

I knew what I had to do, I had to face it. At the time I was studying a subject called Behaviour Modification (awesome subject) and was learning about desensitization. My avoidance was feeding the panic monster within and the monster was winning. I didn't want it to win. I wanted my life back.

So I started small, I would walk down my driveway (which is like a street in itself) and start down my street. At first I would only get ten houses or so down before I started to feel panic, then I'd turn around and come back. I kept doing this until it got a little easier and then went further. 

I was overwhelmed by the traffic on the busy road at the end of my street. There was too much for my failing eyes to take in and process and everything was a blur to me. It made me feel nauseous. So I would sit on the bus stop on the main road and force myself to breath and take it all in. Slowly I became more comfortable with the rapid movement and the little of it I could process. 

Next was getting in a car with someone else at the wheel. Now I'm a HUGE control freak, if I could control the weather I would! It was hard enough just to get inside the car with someone let alone actually drive somewhere. It also comes down to trust. I had to trust someone else to be my eyes. Miss Control Freak had to give up her control! Let's just say there was a lot of tears, screaming and emotions flying around when I tried to do this with my friends and family. It started with going 100 metres down the street and coming back. Anyone I go with is now a pro u-turner (as we say in Australia, 'chuck a u-ey'). 

This is a slow process and I am by no way back to normal. It tests your patience, your courage, your bravery and your belief. I am slowly working my way back, and I want to emphasise that this process is slow and draining. It doesn't happen overnight. There are always times when I feel like I'm going backwards but I need to keep positive and push through. Everybody has bad days and I know I need not take it to heart. Just get up the next day and try again.

Unless you have been through a similar situation, it can be hard to truly understand what it's like. Time and time again I've been told to 'just get over it', 'try harder' and 'just do it'. If it was that easy do you not think I would?! Mental illness is a REAL illness, it's not for attention, it's not anyone's fault and it is just as disabling as a physical illness, if not worse. Most importantly, it should not be something that we are afraid to share, after all, in Australia 1 in 2 people will experience anxiety or depression in their lifetime. Support is the key.

Having a double whammy of illness is hard. But you're not alone. There is help available and most of all support. I get a lot of emails saying that my blog provides 'inspiration', but it's everybody else who inspires me to keep going and keep fighting. Community is one of the strongest forces to produce change and ensure happiness.

Let's continue to stick together to make a difference and keep living our amazing lives!

Hope

Living with an incurable, degenerative disease which leads to permanent disablement and blindness is one of the hardest challenges a person can face. Doubled with the fact that the process usually begins in early adulthood when a person has discovered who they are and figured out their life goals and aspirations can make the situation even more confronting and distressing.

Hope can be a strong and powerful feeling that helps anyone going through this situation, and other situations, get through the day. But is there such thing as 'unhealthy hope'?

My main concern is when hope for a cure dominates everyday thinking and finding a cure is the only way someone can accept their diagnosis or find the will to continue on. 

The one thing for those who have Stargardt's, and any other inherited retinal disease, is that we may be losing our sight, becoming 'disabled' and 'legally blind' but we still have amazing, fulfilling, satisfying and successful lives. Our lives may be different from what we expected them to be, but I guarantee we will look back when we are older and think we wouldn't change a thing.

In saying that it won't be a walk in the park, but in life what ever is? I know myself struggling through another uni degree determined to complete my third degree as a 'legally blind' person and then ultimately completing my PhD will be one of the most satisfying moments in my life. People always ask me how I manage, and to be honest, I don't even know! It is literally pain and tears to get me to where I am and I still have a long way to go. 

I really want everyone to remember that a cure isn't the only answer for us, while it would be fantastic, our lives are still worthwhile and filled with incredible opportunities. 

Always stay positive and remember, no matter what the goal is, you can always get there, you may just have to take a different path to achieve it. 

Online Support Groups

I know I have been very slack with my blog and it's time I made up for it! I have been very busy having a love hate relationship with my cane, giving up driving and leaving my job. You could say I'm having a mid life crisis (at 27). 

Something I have been meaning to do for a while is organising online support groups where we can talk in real time no matter where we are in the world. This will happen through Skype and I hope to organise it on a monthly basis. 

I will mediate the groups so we can get the most out of it and we can discuss different topics/experiences at each meeting.

If you would be interested in participating, please send me an email with your name, diagnosis and location to seethroughmyeyes2010@yahoo.com.au or alternatively comment with the details below but I will need your email to contact you.

Let's get this going and connect to help eahother!

The things you don't get told!

Over the past few years I've learnt so much more about what is actually involved in being vision impaired. When I was diagnosed, I was not told much except I will progressively lose my central vision. I was not warned of any of the other aspects I might experience. Here's a list of things I've learnt and what I do to help. Please share any other tips!

1. Eye pain: Typically I experience eye pain after a day at work or a solid studying session (usually after about one hour). I'm assuming it is related to the strain I put on my eyes to try and see everything as best I can! I experience this daily and it gets VERY frustrating.
What helps: Before reaching for my Panadols (paracentamol) I first try and rest my eyes. Since I always have to be doing something I will either close my eyes and meditate or have a nap. Obviously I can't just lay on the floor for a nap at work (I have tried!) so in worst case scenarios I go for pain killers. I also have found an eye drop that has helped with the burning and heat (Systane Ultra) and you can use this as much as needed. I usually use this after being on the computer. 

2. Headaches/Migraines: This is something I've struggled with for a few years. Generally I get a migraine on my left side which is the weaker eye. Migraines can be extremely debilitating as not only is the pain intense it can cause nausea and further sensitivity to light. I've learnt my triggers for an attack, including sun glare and overworked eyes, so I try to intervene as soon as I feel it starting to take over. Sometimes the attacks are so severe I have to take time off work. At the moment I get about one a month which has reduced. 
What helps: If I am having an attack, I sit (or sleep!) in a dark room and usually wrap a scarf around my head (the pressure helps the pain). Generally I don't find over the counter pain killers effective and I avoid taking anything stronger. My migraines have improved since changing other medications I was on so it's best to talk to your doctor too. Someone also told me to put a drop of lavender oil on each temple and I find this relaxing. To prevent an attack, I'll avoid spending too much time outdoors on a day with high glare and always wear sunglasses outside, which is a given for Stargardt's. And drink loads of water!

3. Sensitivity to light: Some days are ridiculously hard to be outdoors and even inside with the curtains open. Not only does it lead to headaches and migraines, I find it harder to focus and see. I'm guessing this is because the peripheral vision uses light perception to form vision, and since that is what I rely on to see, I am extra sensitive to it. 
What helps: If outdoors always sunglasses! Otherwise unfortunately it's a day where instead of being outside I put on a movie and stay inside!

4. Neck/back pain: I'm surprised my neck is still attached to my body after all the bending it does to read! I'm constantly leaning closer to the computer screen, iPad or whatever is I want to see! This is another constant pain. 
What helps: Making sure that the desk you are working off is set up well, with an arm for the screen. Also any adaptive technology to make the font bigger to eliminate the need to lean. I've also found that getting a remedial massage once a month to be a great help (and I enjoy massages). Massage also helps with the migraines/headaches. 

5. Anxiety/Depression: This is a HUGE part of diagnosis that is not addressed. It is understandable that when you are told that you are losing your vision, feelings of anxiety and/or depression develop. It is a hard thing to deal with. The most important thing to remember is you are not alone in this!
What helps: Talking about how you feel and what you are going through can help a huge deal, if it means talking to friends or family or speaking to a therapist. There's lots of strategies to deal with anxiety and depression and it's not something to be ashamed of. I for one battle anxiety a great deal. As I've mentioned in a previous post the grieving process ties in with these feelings. Also try mindfulness meditation, I have found it really helpful and it's also a time where I can rest my eyes. 

Our experiences are similar but also unique. The best thing we can do is talk about them and help one another. Sometimes simply knowing somebody else is experiencing the same pain or emotions can make you feel a little better. 

The Grieving Process

Usually when we think about grief we only think about the loss of a loved one. We can also experience extreme grief in other situations, including the one we face after being diagnosed with a vision impairment which will ultimately send us legally blind. In fact, we are really grieving the loss of our vision, our independence, our hopes and dreams for the future.

I hope my experience was unique, although I highly doubt it was, but I truly felt abandoned at my time of diagnosis, like I was left in the dark by health professionals and given no guidance, no encouragement and no hope. As I have mentioned previously, I was told “you have a condition called Stargardt’s Disease, there’s no treatment, so there’s not really any point in us seeing you again unless you face problems in the future”. I walked out of the ophthalmologist’s office feeling lost, confused and helpless. Being a person who you could probably describe as a perfectionist, I had my whole life planned, aspirations, goals, career paths, and it was all taken from me without any real explanation. I began grieving the impending loss of my vision and all that would follow.

A common model of grief (Kubler-Ross model) talks about five stages of grief. When grieving, you can go through the stages and then revert to a previous stage. The experience is different for each individual. Denial is commonly the first stage. “I don’t have this condition I see fine” or “they must have it wrong, we have no family history of eye disorders” were common thoughts I had. I really think I spent the last two years in and out of denial until I received the result of my genetic testing which finally confirmed that I have the faulty gene.

Anger then follows, “why me” or “thanks mum and dad for giving me rubbish genes”. The thought of “why me” went around and around in circles in my head. I was also angry about the timing, just finishing my degree and with my independent adult life ahead of me.

Another stage of bargaining also takes place. This made me search for hours on end for alternative methods to halt the process, diets , supplements, miracle cures that were hiding somewhere. Although this is not necessarily detrimental, if it gets to the point of being all consuming it can be quite distressing.

Of course depression shows its head in the process. This stage is probably the most likely to reappear. Just as you think you are coping ok, bam, he’s back. I’ve allowed myself to have the days where I do get down about the situation, as long as I promise myself I will get back up. It is ok to feel sad, we are losing an integral sense, but we need to remember that there’s a way through this.

Finally we meet acceptance. I don’t think I’m there yet. I may tell myself and others around me that I have accepted my condition, but deep within me I know I haven’t. It’s also hard to truly accept a degenerative condition because just as you start feeling at ease with the situation, your vision deteriorates and you feel as though you are back to square one.

All in all, it is absolutely normal and healthy to feel each one of these emotions and different times. I highly recommend speaking to a professional. I think it should be mandatory that when a person is diagnosed with a vision impairment they are offered counselling and support. Also talking to family and friends can help with the process, after all, it is likely they are grieving with you and feel even more helpless than you do as they don’t know how you feel or how to help. We should all remember that to feel this way is normal and know that you are not alone.

Below are some helpful links.

Headspace Australia - Grief

Beyond Blue Australia

Mental Health America

Mental Health Foundation UK

Being genetically counselled

I had made an appointment to see a genetic counsellor about 3 months ago and the time came this week. I hadn't really given much thought to it to be honest. The main reason I went was to do genetic testing to find out if I actually have the known Stargardt's mutated gene, as I feel like it will be the final thing in accepting my diagnosis, even though I know I do have it.

So I went along to my appointment not knowing what to expect. Normally when I am seeing a doctor I have what I want to know planned out. This time I was under prepared for my usual standards.

The genetic counsellor was really great; she had easy to understand diagrams that showed the most likely way I inherited Stargardt's, and then showed me possibilities of when I have children. The good news is that the chances of my partner being a carrier is quite rare, and thus it's likely my children won't have any chance of inheriting Stargardt's. There's the possibility of testing my partner in future to see if he is a carrier, but to be honest I don't think it would matter because it wouldn't affect my decision to have children if they were at risk. I cope well and have a great life!

The other question is whether to test my younger siblings. There's currently two debates in my household
1. There's not point in knowing because you can't stop it or change it
2. If you knew you could make decisions about careers etc and also use preventative measures like wearing sunglasses at all time and so forth.

It's a hard decision and there will be more debates in our home.

So I have to give blood and it will be sent to the US for testing which will take a few months, which is not good for someone like me who is so impatient.

Relationships

Having a visual impairment does not just affect your every day life but also your relationships.

I had been in a long term relationship and was diagnosed with Stargardt's Disease. This had a huge impact. I had to pretty much change my whole life plan. Not only that, I started making rash decisions as I was afraid of what the future would hold.

It takes time to accept diagnosis, and I feel as though I am coming closer to total acceptance. Instead of jumping to conclusions and seeing my condition negatively I have started looking at it in a positive light and all the things I still can achieve, and being legally blind will make it that much more special.

My relationship broke down and I feel as though my condition did play a part in that. I now have fears as to "who would want to be with someone with my baggage". Possibly I have watched too much Jerry Springer 'Excess Baggage' but it always stays in the back of your mind.

I know it sounds silly and there are amazing people in the world but the doubt always hangs over. It's just another way that Stargardt's has affected my life and I'm sure others lives as well.

More to add for "not just a vision issue"

I've had an overwhelming response from my post "Not just a vision issue" so I have put together a list of links that some of you might find useful for counselling, psychology or even just to have a chat. These are all Australian organisations and if anybody has any from overseas please share.

Most importantly, stay positive and you are not alone :)


Lifeline 24 hour telephone support - 131114
Lifeline

Beyond Blue - Not just Depression but anxiety, bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses
Beyond Blue

Headspace - Youth Mental Health for people 12 to 25 years old
Headspace

Not just a vision issue

So it’s taken me a while to be able to bring this up on here because it’s quite a complicated topic. Not only was I diagnosed with stargardt’s disease, but I have slowly developed an anxiety disorder which can be attributed to my diagnosis.

It is such a hard thing to deal with when you  are young, feel like you are in your prime and your life is just about to start, and bam, you’ve got an incurable disease that you can’t hide from because it’s in your eyes. I will admit I act quite tough about the situation but I definitely have my low times over the issue and I let myself have a cry over it before I tell myself to harden up and that I have a whole life to live for.

Being told you can’t see well is such a blow, even if you realised it prior, but I started doubting myself in so many ways. It went from not being able to drive, to being scared to be in a car because it is hard to read signs and see what’s ahead of me.

As a person who always has to be in control and needs to know EVERYTHING about what is happening to me and in the world, I found it quite confronting when I was told of my diagnosis. I was scared to go out at night because I felt I couldn’t see and I was in total darkness, whereas I think this is partly psychological as my EPS study showed my night vision isn’t affected.

I think there is not only the issue of dealing with vision impairment but also the other issues that arise with it; it’s not just about finding ways to get around or ways to work, but also how it affects us psychologically, because I am sure I am not alone with this. Not only am I dealing with my vision impairment, I am also dealing with a severe anxiety disorder that is life limiting. Double whammy or what.

So I encourage you all to speak out because we are in this together, and nothing is more helpful than hearing that someone else is experiencing the same thing.

Denial

I have now known about my condition for two years and I feel as though I have accepted it. The funny thing is the people around me don't seem to have. It's like they don't want to accept that my vision is deteriorating and they pretend as though it's not happening or it's not as bad as it is. But if I can accept it why can't everybody else around me? I think it has a lot to do with my age - being young the first thing people say when you tell them is "can't you get laser?" This is one comment that is starting to bug me. If I could be treated do you not think I would have gotten treatment?!?!?! I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand because they can't fathom the idea of a young person becoming blind and it doesn't help nobody has heard of Stagardt's disease. I try and explain it as similar to macular degeneration, but as that is a condition associated with older generations people still struggle to comprehend.

I think it is hard for those around me to put them selves in my shoes and see what I can see. If you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't know that I probably can't see your face. It's as though to be classified as vision impaired or legally blind you need to have the stereo typical dark glasses, walking stick or guide dog.

It is hard to deal with the fact that you are losing your sight at a young age, but the best thing I have done is to accept it and take it n my stride. I can see the world in a different light, I focus a lot on the way things sound or smell, to make up for the lack of detail I can see. I do have the bad days and feel as though I'm struggling at my job and my eyes are strained and tired, but I do believe in the future there will be a treatment and for the time being I should embrace this experience. After all whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger!

Positivity

I have now known I have had Stargardt's for 2 years. Sometimes I think I have accepted it, yet there are other times I still think "why me".

For instance, I was in the car tonight looking ahead of me thinking that the action going on in front of me was one big blur. I feel like my blind spot is expanding and is taking up more of my view of the world. It almost scares me a little bit as I am the type of person that likes to see, hear and know every detail of what's going on in the world around me. I suppose you could say I'm a control freak!

So this whole diagnosis of Stargardt's has impacted me enormously, and has affected the control I have had on the world. It makes me think that this has happened to me for a reason and maybe it's going to teach me a life lesson - to let go and live no matter what you are faced with.

This is easy to say yet extremely hard to do. Even though there might be days that are tough and upsetting, it's important to always look at things from a positive angle - I may not be able to see the entire detail in front of me, but I can still see that there are lights and scenery! I guess things are only as bad as you make them, and if we can all face losing our sight at such young ages, imagine the other things we can accomplish in our lives!!

Moral to the story - always stay positive even when it may seem like there is nothing positive about the situation, if you look closely enough, you will find something that lifts your spirits!!!!