We are all unique

A phrase I seem to be continually hearing goes something along the lines of "another person who is legally blind could do it". The most recent time was in reference to attending a residential school for my university course located in another state.

I want to get something straight, just because people are classified as 'legally blind' it DOES NOT mean that they have the same level of vision, experiences, confidence or abilities as the next person. The assumption that we all share the same experience is incorrect.

Now I understand that I can't expect everybody to understand what I am going through, but I at least expect from people in certain positions to have a degree of empathy and knowledge that people with disabilities needs differ. No two people's experiences are the same. There a so many factors that come into play.

Stargardt's Disease and other inherited retinal diseases such as Retinitis Pigmentosa are degenerative diseases. Vision deteriorates over time. Progression may be rapid or slow, it may start when you're in school or when you're an adult. Vision can stay stable for a period of time and then deteriorate dramatically. No two people share the same experience of vision loss. 

In my case, I have been losing my vision for five years. My vision has decreased from 6/15 to 6/60 in that time. When you start to lose your vision you go through a process of adaptation; adapting to the world, viewing it in a new way and finding different ways of doing things. There is also a grieving process (I've written about it here) and each time my vision deteriorates, I go through it all again. 

Every person has a unique experience, has developed different coping mechanisms and is at a different stage of acceptance. To assume that because two people are both 'legally blind' that they share a common experience is untrue.

Never assume a person's ability and experience. Ask questions. Be open to suggestions. Be helpful. Listen. Be empathetic and not sympathetic. Be positive. Be part of changing the perception of people with a vision impairment.

Image source: http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://www.zen-mama.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/shutterstockTime-for-Change.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.zen-mama.com/2012/07/dear-friend-its-time-to-change-your-life/shutterstocktime-for-change-2/&h=675&w=1000&tbnid=salx-oGQeDo4-M:&zoom=1&docid=olymHlLRJOxzfM&ei=wAOdVZbLDcXk8AWp15rgCA&tbm=isch&ved=0CIEBEDMoTzBP

Real People #3

This month's story comes from a fellow Stargardt-er from my city. We live on opposite sides of Sydney and as yet have not met in person, but thanks to social media we have been able to connect and be supports for each other.

Mike Lainis, 53, Sydney, Australia

When were you diagnosed with Stargardt's and how did it affect you at the time?

My Journey with Stargardts began 5 years ago in January 2010 When I was 48 years old.  After loads of testing including blood tests and chest x-rays for TB! I was sitting in the ophthalmologist surgery blurry eyed from the "drops” and the numerous flashes of light from the fluorecein angiograph procedure (they pump you with green fluorescence in your veins and take photos of your macula all at the same time). She finally turned to me and said you have a late onset of Stargardts! I thought yes I am seeing stars at the moment,  Ok...., so my next question was what are you going to do? Laser, medication or an operation? What ! No cure! Just avoid the sun and Vitamin A supplements and see you in a year’s time, cheers.....

Wow. Went home told my wife and family, we climbed on the net for hours researching. Nothing. No cure or procedure.  I thought surely in this day and age all diseases have some kind of cure, nope, not this one. For the first three years it was more of an irritation not been able to do things I had done countless times before. 

What do you do for work and has the condition impacted you?

Throughout my life I have worked in the construction industry. I ran my own cabinet making business, for 10 years, producing some fine solid wood furniture. I slowly moved up to be a project manager.  I worked in London for 6 years on upmarket residential apartments in Kensington and Kew Gardens. I worked in Brisbane for 5 years on the prestigious David Jones Queens Plaza and Chermside stores. I worked in Sydney for the last 5 years on Hugo Boss, Coach and Thomas Sabo stores to name a few things I have done. However now I work at my kid’s school on a casual basis doing maintenance work. A far cry from what I was doing but I am at peace with that. The school has been very supportive.

What would you say are the defining moments since being diagnosed?

Late 2013 I had a "near miss" whilst driving. Nearly took out a traffic officer. Silly man was standing in the middle of an intersection! The traffic lights had stopped working, and he was directing traffic. I was looking to the left for other cars coming out of the intersection and did not see him. He was in my "blind" area of vision. I had to screech the car to a stop right in front of him. He wasn't happy with me, had the finger waving. Realizing I could have killed him I decided my driving days were over.

Then after last December holidays, maybe after too much fun in the sun, my left eye, central vision finally all went. After a visit to the ophthalmologist he declared me "legally blind". A shock to the emotions as I thought I still had a few more years to go.

What would you tell someone who is struggling with a vision impairment?

Being positive is critical in coping with this condition.

When I was at school I was involved in Scouting. Achieved the highest award (Chief Scout Award) and went on a Jamboree to America. After school I went into the army for a couple of years. In later years I was a river guide and then also lead an expedition to an Malawian Gamepark whilst been a member of the Royal Geographical Society in London.

During this time I was taught survival techniques and even ran a few courses myself. The greatest life lesson I learnt was, when you get lost in the bush or end up in a life or death situation, it is “the will to survive”. You can have all the training on how to light a fire or how to find water and food but if you give up mentally you die. The same with this condition, you can't let it take over. You need to fight it each day, develop new skills and ways of doing things. Accept the situation, you can’t change the fact you are going or are blind, and then move on with your life.

Lastly my faith in God has increased dramatically over the last few years.  God gives me the strength when I am feeling weak. My favourite scripture now is “I walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5 vs 7. Whilst I believe Jesus is able and is willing, for us to be all healed of all diseases, I believe it is all in God's timing. There is a purpose and process to this condition in my life right now, to teach me perseverance and strength of character. 

My hope and prayer is that God will give someone the insight and wisdom to find a cure not only for one person but for all who have this condition. Hopefully one day I can be part of that process.

Thanks Mike for sharing!

10 Tips for Studying With a Vision Impairment

The new study year is upon us, I'll be in my final year of psychology and I'm sure there's many of you also returning to uni, school or college. I though it would be beneficial to put together a list of tips for studying with a vision impairment not just for anyone reading this but also for myself so I can stick to it throughout the year!

I have been at university now for close to ten years, half of that time I had perfect 20/20 vision, the other half I have slipped to legal blindness at 6/60. Just acknowledging this is a crazy thought - I still to this day can't fathom how I've gotten to this stage! Despite the lack of vision, I have remained determined to keep studying and find a career I love and can maintain with my vision. So here are the tips I've picked up along the way:

1. Take frequent breaks. This is a given for anybody studying, vision impaired or not. But if you have a vision impairment it is important to take more frequent breaks to give your eyes a rest and let them recharge before slaving over more readings or assignments. I try and force myself to take a break every 30 minutes, or when my eyes are starting to hurt and struggle to focus. When you take a break, make sure you do something that doesn't use your eyes. I like to put on some music or an audio book or get in a little bit of mindfulness meditation which also helps me re-focus. Find something that works for you, that gives your eyes a rest and also helps you to relax. If you take frequent breaks, you will be able to study for longer periods of time, perfect for those cram sessions!

2. Utilise adaptive technology. There is an abundance of adaptive technology options available to help in all sorts of study situations. I use Zoomtext for my computer/laptop, I use an iPad for screen reading of textbooks and documents, I have multiple hand held magnifiers for paper documents and also a CCTV. There are so many options available that can suit your needs. The best place to start is by getting in contact with a low vision service in your local area. The most important thing to remember is that it takes time to get used to using these devices and to be patient. I was extremely resistant to using a lot of them but once I got the hang of them and realised how much they help I can't do without them. 

3. Learn how to listen rather than read. This was something I was resistant of doing for a long time. It seems like a basic concept, to listen to a textbook rather than read it, but it's actually a different way of absorbing information and it takes time to get used to. I would use the reader option in iBooks on my iPad, and within 30 seconds the voice had put me to sleep! It's also harder to take in information from a long document by listening to it (especially when it's read by a computer or monotone voice). It takes some time to get used to but once you've got the hang of it you will wonder why you didn't start earlier. It gives your eyes a chance to have a break whilst still being productive and taking in information. Definitely a skill that should be honed! 

4. Be organised and prepared. This is probably my biggest downfall. I am a last minute crammer and will leave my assignments until the day they are due. Possibly because I like to torture myself. I've now learnt you CAN NOT do this when you have a vision impairment. It creates more stress and leaves you with migraines that last days. Make sure you get yourself organised at the start of semester. Plan when assignments are due and start them early so you can do a bit each day over a few weeks. Be diligent with this as you will pay the consequences if you leave things to the last minute. 

5. Build relationships with staff, students and institutions. This is important to ensure you have the support you need. Don't be afraid to ask if you need help with something or to get work in a format you can read. Find the staff members you most trust and use them as a point of information. It is also beneficial to have friends who are doing your course who can help at short notice if you need it. Having studied my last course via distance, sometimes this is hard as you don't get to meet any other students. Facebook works wonders for this and there's always someone willing to help out. The most common problem I come across is missing textbook chapters and other students have offered to scan them for me instead of waiting for the uni. 

6. Know your rights and entitlements. As I have mentioned in previous posts, sometimes you have to stand up for your rights. Everyone has the right to an education and reasonable adjustments need to be made for a person with a disability - don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Most institutions have a disability centre that can help with most things but still familiarise yourself with your rights. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and ask for the adjustments or resources you need to succeed.

7. Don't over commit. This is something I also tend to do - take on too many subjects. If you have just begun studying, start with a small workload and see how you go. You can then take on extra subjects in subsequent semesters. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you are stressed and don't do your best. 

8. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you need help - ASK. Don't be embarrassed or feel that you are useless. There's nothing wrong with asking for help in any situation not just studying. Not only will this benefit yourself, it will also help others to understand your situation and the impact a vision impairment can have. It's a win win for all!

9. Find what works for you to minimise symptoms. The most common symptoms I experience are eye strain, eye pain, headaches, migraines and even nausea if I've been at it for too long. Find little tricks that work for you to help minimise these symptoms. Apart from taking breaks, try a cold compress on your eyes. This will reduce some of the pain and strain. I also use cucumbers- they actually work! Don't forget to look after yourself, get a massage to reduce tension in your head and neck from straining to see. 

10. Stay positive through the tough times. Studying is not a walk in the park. It can be hard work. It can be demanding and stressful. There will be times when you just want to throw in the towel, it's too hard, it hurts too much or it's too much of a struggle. Don't give up! You can get through it, and achieve great results. Don't let your vision be a hindrance, it doesn't need to be. It doesn't change your intelligence or your chances of success. Everything is achievable!

Standing Up For Your Rights

I haven't really touched on standing up for myself in terms of my rights as a person with a 'disability' since starting this blog almost five years ago now. Partly due to the fact that I am really bad at doing it! 

My most current problem is with studying at university. I am due to be completing my final year of psychology this year and have been having issues with the uni I am currently enrolled in (which is a different uni from my previous studies). Since I am still in the negotiation process I will not name them just yet and hope they do the right thing and support me.

Now I study via distance education as it's easier for me with my sight, with working and with life in general. As a post graduate, I don't really want to be on campus but rather spending the time furthering my career. Even though I am studying distance my course has residential schools as a component, four lots in total over the year. The campus is not local to me, it's about a three hour drive from the city, which of course I can't drive, about a seven hour train ride (into the bush) or a small plane flight (although the airport  is closed at the moment). 

My issue stems from two things - my vision and my anxiety. It is hard for me to travel with my vision and there is no way I feel comfortable getting a train to somewhere I have never been on my own then somehow navigate to the campus and to a hotel. I can't even read a sign! I'm still new to this whole vision impaired experience and travelling on my lonesome is not something I feel comfortable with yet. I'm a small girl and haven't learnt kung fu (but don't worry I'm in the process of that) so I feel very vulnerable. And I'd have to do it four times over the year. I could get someone to take me but frankly I don't have anybody who could take weeks off work to spend in a country town while I sit in lectures for a course I'm supposedly doing through distance education.

So you'd think I have a fairly good argument to be supported to participate in another way right? Well apparently not. I've had numerous comments from the disability officer that they have another student who is 'fully blind' and goes on campus and why can't I study at another uni? Oh ok, too hard for you so palm me off? As for the 'fully blind' comment (said more than once), can you be any more condescending? You don't know my experience or my history, you know nothing about me! You don't know how I cope or all the effort I'm making to deal with my diagnosis and live a normal life! 

I was on the verge of giving up. I had a chat with someone who is involved in disability research and she gave me some useful resources to support my case and present to the uni. One of which was the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities  which Australia is a signatory and must abide by. The main points to note in regards to education is that every person has a right to education and 'reasonable adjustments' should be made for a person with a disability.

I was still wary of picking a fight as such with the uni, and was not keen for any confrontation. Then I thought, I have to be more assertive and fight for myself. So I put together an email quoting the above and specific guidelines relevant to psychology and sent it off. 

The response I have gotten so far is.. well iffy. I'm not really sure where it's heading. Regardless of whether I succeed at least I can say I tried and I made others think of the individual needs of someone with a disability.

If you are in the same situation don't give up, try your best to be assertive and stand your ground. If you get really stuck there are disability advocates who can help and speak on your behalf. We have the same rights as everybody else and organisations need to be made aware of the different needs which are necessary for success. 

Updates on the outcome of my situation to come! 

Let's talk anxiety

I've brought this issue up previously, and I think it's time it comes up again. Mental health is something I am extremely passionate about and anxiety is something I have been dealing with now for years.

I experience panic attacks. For those of you who don't know or have never had a panic attack, it is probably the worst feeling you could ever feel. There was a study done with people who had experienced both a heart attack and panic attacks which found that panic attacks were far more frightening and disabling! I hope this puts it into perspective a little! 

When I have a panic attack, it feels like extreme fear, and my 'flight or fight kicks in'. I'm usually more of a flighter, I get out of the situation as soon as possible to reduce the feeling, but this only feeds the panic and makes it worse causing me to avoid.. well life. 

The physical sensations can vary but include dizziness, trembling hands and legs, numbness in the extremities, dry mouth, rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, blurred vision, churning sensation in the belly, rapid bowel movements - pretty much everything in the body is affected. 

My attacks got even more severe when I had to stop driving. I had lost my independence. I was holding on to that last bit of control I had, I couldn't handle being a passenger in the car and was always the driver. I wasn't venturing far from my home at the time. After I realised it was too unsafe to continue to drive I knew I had to stop. At the time I also quit my job because of my vision issues and anxiety. I decided that it was time for me to start from scratch, and so I hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom felt like a big, dark hole that engulfed me from every direction. All the light was sucked out and I was stuck, too scared to move forward. I got to the point where I could no longer leave the house and even looking out the window brought on an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and fear. 

I knew what I had to do, I had to face it. At the time I was studying a subject called Behaviour Modification (awesome subject) and was learning about desensitization. My avoidance was feeding the panic monster within and the monster was winning. I didn't want it to win. I wanted my life back.

So I started small, I would walk down my driveway (which is like a street in itself) and start down my street. At first I would only get ten houses or so down before I started to feel panic, then I'd turn around and come back. I kept doing this until it got a little easier and then went further. 

I was overwhelmed by the traffic on the busy road at the end of my street. There was too much for my failing eyes to take in and process and everything was a blur to me. It made me feel nauseous. So I would sit on the bus stop on the main road and force myself to breath and take it all in. Slowly I became more comfortable with the rapid movement and the little of it I could process. 

Next was getting in a car with someone else at the wheel. Now I'm a HUGE control freak, if I could control the weather I would! It was hard enough just to get inside the car with someone let alone actually drive somewhere. It also comes down to trust. I had to trust someone else to be my eyes. Miss Control Freak had to give up her control! Let's just say there was a lot of tears, screaming and emotions flying around when I tried to do this with my friends and family. It started with going 100 metres down the street and coming back. Anyone I go with is now a pro u-turner (as we say in Australia, 'chuck a u-ey'). 

This is a slow process and I am by no way back to normal. It tests your patience, your courage, your bravery and your belief. I am slowly working my way back, and I want to emphasise that this process is slow and draining. It doesn't happen overnight. There are always times when I feel like I'm going backwards but I need to keep positive and push through. Everybody has bad days and I know I need not take it to heart. Just get up the next day and try again.

Unless you have been through a similar situation, it can be hard to truly understand what it's like. Time and time again I've been told to 'just get over it', 'try harder' and 'just do it'. If it was that easy do you not think I would?! Mental illness is a REAL illness, it's not for attention, it's not anyone's fault and it is just as disabling as a physical illness, if not worse. Most importantly, it should not be something that we are afraid to share, after all, in Australia 1 in 2 people will experience anxiety or depression in their lifetime. Support is the key.

Having a double whammy of illness is hard. But you're not alone. There is help available and most of all support. I get a lot of emails saying that my blog provides 'inspiration', but it's everybody else who inspires me to keep going and keep fighting. Community is one of the strongest forces to produce change and ensure happiness.

Let's continue to stick together to make a difference and keep living our amazing lives!

Second chance for Mr Cane

I have been walking a lot more since unwillingly giving up driving. I have grown in confidence with walking alone but I still find road crossing difficult. I'd given the cane the flick because we just weren't getting along. I haven't used it in some months now although there has been a little voice in the back of my mind telling me to pull it out again and give it another go. 

Yesterday was the big day when Mr. Cane got his second chance to win me over. I must admit, he did a damn good job at it! I went for a walk with a friend who hadn't encountered anyone using a cane before so it was interesting for her to see how it was used and the reactions of others. 

One of the big issues I've been having is that when I'm walking, others have no idea I'm vision impaired and if I make a mistake crossing they will think I'm an idiot. I like the fact the cane is a way of saying "Hey, I don't see good, look out for me". This was evident when we crossed a main road, without traffic lights, but with an island in the middle (so we could go half the road at a time). This particular spot had been an issue for me because the road is so busy I can't simply rely on my hearing and limited sight. In a way the cane was like my indicator signal of a car. People knew to be mindful of me. We had a great experience, each time we crossed (we did it a few times!), when we were on the island, a person would stop the traffic to let us cross. It really was a testament to how kind people can be. These small gestures increased my confidence with crossing roads and also gave me more trust in those around me. 

We also noticed people's reactions when walking toward us. Each person we passed, even someone with a pram, moved off the footpath out of the way to let me pass. I don't know what I expected, that people would walk into me or make comments, but experiencing it first hand made me feel more at ease with the whole idea of using the cane and reduced the stigma to using it.

Mr Cane and I have gone on another date today, with similar success, and we are on the road to a happy and long partnership. Up until this point, I wasn't ready to accept the fact I may need extra help getting around and there is nothing wrong with that. Now is the right time for me and I will embrace it and continue to gain more confidence and independence. 

Selling My Independence

This week was a big milestone in my journey of acceptance. I am actually quite surprised that I did it and finally let go of something I had been holding on to so tightly.

Probably slightly melodramatic, but I sold my independence this week, my beloved car. I had bought my car brand new almost five years ago to the day. After driving around in hand me down cars (including a red, seven-seater Mercedes Benz station wagon from before I was born), I had finally splurged on a shiny, fresh new car. I was very attached to my car, it had travelled with me through so many life events and it was like my solace where I could feel calm and even have a cry. Ok it does sound like I was in a relationship with my car but since I'd driven for 10 years I had really gotten used to having it.

I should have stopped driving a few years ago although I didn't stop (and I in no way recommend doing this). I continued to drive locally to and from work. As my sight deteriorated I realised I had to let go, I had to give it up. In March this year I made the decision that I was going to let go, I wasn't going to drive again and I was going to literally start from the bottom and learn to be independent in a new way. This caused me great anxiety and stress and by no means has it been easy or am I close to being entirely independent. I grew to rely on driving, I never caught public transport, so I'm literally learning how to do everything again with poor vision. 

I tried to find a reason to keep my car - someone in my family would drive it, I could give it to my brother, we could have a spare car, but deep down I knew it was pointless. I put it up for sale a month ago, grudgingly. 

As the weeks past I still tried to find reasons to keep it and more people came to look at it. Once I found a buyer, the few days before they picked the car up I started to think to myself I should just keep it and I didn't want to give it up. The morning they came to pick it up, I paced around the yard and my anxiety levels grew. I knew I had to do it and I knew that once I did I would feel stronger.

It was actually easier than I thought (possibly helped my a massive envelope of cash). It was even empowering. I was proud of myself. I had let go. I had let go of something I had been holding onto for many years. I knew I could do it, that I could face this new chapter. 

And here I am. Car-less, less independent perhaps but with a greater level of determination. Of the years I have been battling Stargardt's, this week definitely was a big step for me. Onwards and upwards!

It's the little things

One thing I have come to realise is that the littlest tasks can cause me frustration. As my eyesight has deteriorated I've noticed that tasks I normally wouldn't think about while doing are becoming more difficult. At first I get surprised that I'm having difficulty, then determined to do it, then just plain frustrated. The world really was not created with vision impaired and blind people in mind. 

I now find it difficult to decipher between coins when paying for things. Here in Australia, our 1 dollar and 2 dollar coins are gold (the 1 dollar is larger for some reason) and the rest silver. I can't tell the difference between the two gold coins even though they are different sizes unless I have the two in my fingers. Same with the silvers, I can't tell the difference between a 5 cent and 10 cent coins. Luckily I can still differentiated between the colours of the notes. 

Another thing I have difficulties with is using the ATM. I find myself with my nose almost touching the screen or withdrawing a surprise amount of cash. Or even better still, I press the wrong button and it cancels my transaction and I need to start again. I've taken to using the same ATM machines because they are predictable, unlike most of life, and I have learnt which buttons I need to press.

And then there is my number 1 addiction made harder - using my credit card to shop online. What smart person thought it would be clever to put the numbers so they are almost invisible even to well sighted people?! By the time I've correctly entered my card number I've usually given up, which is probably a good thing for my addiction. 

As much as I don't want to rely on others, I need to accept that I may well need to and that it is ok to do so. I could always carry around my magnifier and whip it out when I need it although I think I'd prefer to ask for help! It's intriguing how the littlest things can cause so much continual frustration. The sooner I realise that it's not worth wasting energy on, I can find a way to improve life. Giant credit cards anybody?!

The Grieving Process

Usually when we think about grief we only think about the loss of a loved one. We can also experience extreme grief in other situations, including the one we face after being diagnosed with a vision impairment which will ultimately send us legally blind. In fact, we are really grieving the loss of our vision, our independence, our hopes and dreams for the future.

I hope my experience was unique, although I highly doubt it was, but I truly felt abandoned at my time of diagnosis, like I was left in the dark by health professionals and given no guidance, no encouragement and no hope. As I have mentioned previously, I was told “you have a condition called Stargardt’s Disease, there’s no treatment, so there’s not really any point in us seeing you again unless you face problems in the future”. I walked out of the ophthalmologist’s office feeling lost, confused and helpless. Being a person who you could probably describe as a perfectionist, I had my whole life planned, aspirations, goals, career paths, and it was all taken from me without any real explanation. I began grieving the impending loss of my vision and all that would follow.

A common model of grief (Kubler-Ross model) talks about five stages of grief. When grieving, you can go through the stages and then revert to a previous stage. The experience is different for each individual. Denial is commonly the first stage. “I don’t have this condition I see fine” or “they must have it wrong, we have no family history of eye disorders” were common thoughts I had. I really think I spent the last two years in and out of denial until I received the result of my genetic testing which finally confirmed that I have the faulty gene.

Anger then follows, “why me” or “thanks mum and dad for giving me rubbish genes”. The thought of “why me” went around and around in circles in my head. I was also angry about the timing, just finishing my degree and with my independent adult life ahead of me.

Another stage of bargaining also takes place. This made me search for hours on end for alternative methods to halt the process, diets , supplements, miracle cures that were hiding somewhere. Although this is not necessarily detrimental, if it gets to the point of being all consuming it can be quite distressing.

Of course depression shows its head in the process. This stage is probably the most likely to reappear. Just as you think you are coping ok, bam, he’s back. I’ve allowed myself to have the days where I do get down about the situation, as long as I promise myself I will get back up. It is ok to feel sad, we are losing an integral sense, but we need to remember that there’s a way through this.

Finally we meet acceptance. I don’t think I’m there yet. I may tell myself and others around me that I have accepted my condition, but deep within me I know I haven’t. It’s also hard to truly accept a degenerative condition because just as you start feeling at ease with the situation, your vision deteriorates and you feel as though you are back to square one.

All in all, it is absolutely normal and healthy to feel each one of these emotions and different times. I highly recommend speaking to a professional. I think it should be mandatory that when a person is diagnosed with a vision impairment they are offered counselling and support. Also talking to family and friends can help with the process, after all, it is likely they are grieving with you and feel even more helpless than you do as they don’t know how you feel or how to help. We should all remember that to feel this way is normal and know that you are not alone.

Below are some helpful links.

Headspace Australia - Grief

Beyond Blue Australia

Mental Health America

Mental Health Foundation UK

Watch out, cane about!

Guide Dogs have launched their "Watch out, cane about" campaign with an informative and positive video. Everyday pedestrians are blind folded and attempt to cross a road with a cane and a guide. It is really interesting to see the reactions of others. The is also a guide on what to do if you see a person crossing the road with a cane. 

Great video to share with family and friends to help them better understand what it is like using a cane. 

Thanks Guide Dogs!

DNA tells all

I recently got preliminary results from my genetic testing (that I did almost two years ago now!). They showed that I do have the mutation in the ABCA4 gene and it is the recessive condition. I need to have further testing to determine whether I have two recessive genes (from each of my parents) or one recessive and a gap (only one parent has the recessive gene). We can then go on to test my parents and my siblings if they choose to.

I must admit it is quite confronting getting the results. Even though the condition is 99% diagnosed from other methods such as EPS and deterioration can be seen in the macula, there's still always that small doubt or hope that I have been wrongly diagnosed and have another condition with a treatment. It is such a tiny hope but I found myself holding onto it in the back of my mind. 

Finally being told that yes, your genes definitely show this condition, I got slightly emotional, even though I've known I have SD for a few years now.

In my true style, I had a small sook, sneaked some cuddles from my work colleagues, and turned the positive me back on to think of more ways I can help myself reach my goals, and most of all inspire others. 

Being genetically counselled

I had made an appointment to see a genetic counsellor about 3 months ago and the time came this week. I hadn't really given much thought to it to be honest. The main reason I went was to do genetic testing to find out if I actually have the known Stargardt's mutated gene, as I feel like it will be the final thing in accepting my diagnosis, even though I know I do have it.

So I went along to my appointment not knowing what to expect. Normally when I am seeing a doctor I have what I want to know planned out. This time I was under prepared for my usual standards.

The genetic counsellor was really great; she had easy to understand diagrams that showed the most likely way I inherited Stargardt's, and then showed me possibilities of when I have children. The good news is that the chances of my partner being a carrier is quite rare, and thus it's likely my children won't have any chance of inheriting Stargardt's. There's the possibility of testing my partner in future to see if he is a carrier, but to be honest I don't think it would matter because it wouldn't affect my decision to have children if they were at risk. I cope well and have a great life!

The other question is whether to test my younger siblings. There's currently two debates in my household
1. There's not point in knowing because you can't stop it or change it
2. If you knew you could make decisions about careers etc and also use preventative measures like wearing sunglasses at all time and so forth.

It's a hard decision and there will be more debates in our home.

So I have to give blood and it will be sent to the US for testing which will take a few months, which is not good for someone like me who is so impatient.

Bionic Eye

Have a look at this recent video on the bionic eye. It's crazy how maazing technology can be.

Increasing my magnification

As I have mentioned I use Zoomtext on my work and home computers. I have been using it a x2 magnification since I first got it, especially since I didn't like to slide all over the place too much. Recently I have noticed that I am leaning quite close to the computer to read. I didn't want to admit that I probably needed to increase my magnification.

I persevered for a while, but finally thought I'd give it a go just to see what it was like. So I increased the magnification to x3. What a difference it made. I had to slide across the screen more at work, although I could stay put in my chair and not be leaning in touching the screen with my nose!

I'll admit I'm in denial. I didn't want to increase the magnification because then I'd have to awknowledge my eyes are becoming worse. I know it's silly because it would reduce my strain but it is really hard to accept!!!

I also get slightly paranoid, especially at work, as my screen is so large anybody can read what I'm doing (not that I am ever doing anything wrong!), but it's just uncomfortable knowing that if someone looked over they could read it easily.

Of course I've kept my Zoomtext at x2. I'm really quite stubborn.

My purple cane

I got my purple cane delivered in the mail! I was so excited and opened it to find that I had a stick, but no ball. I was a bit confused and thought I could maybe use it to poke people instead.

Turns out they come separate and when I had my mobility session with Guide Dogs I would get the ball.

Which brings me to the mobility sessions. I was quite weary at first, walking around with a cane and even though I don't need it constantly it is a skill I will most probably need in the future. I found the actual sessions to be quite fun and not at all as scary and upsetting as I thought.

We walked my local streets to learn the technique of using a cane, and it is harder than I thought! The less I thought about the more natural it become and I started to feel comfortable using it.

I never noticed before how much I concentrate on seeing where I am walking to the point where I give myself eye strain and it hurts! It's such a feeling of freedom to have the confidence to look ahead or what's around me without worrying about the ground in front of me.

So far I have had two sessions and I look forward to them. I will keep you updated!

Relationships

Having a visual impairment does not just affect your every day life but also your relationships.

I had been in a long term relationship and was diagnosed with Stargardt's Disease. This had a huge impact. I had to pretty much change my whole life plan. Not only that, I started making rash decisions as I was afraid of what the future would hold.

It takes time to accept diagnosis, and I feel as though I am coming closer to total acceptance. Instead of jumping to conclusions and seeing my condition negatively I have started looking at it in a positive light and all the things I still can achieve, and being legally blind will make it that much more special.

My relationship broke down and I feel as though my condition did play a part in that. I now have fears as to "who would want to be with someone with my baggage". Possibly I have watched too much Jerry Springer 'Excess Baggage' but it always stays in the back of your mind.

I know it sounds silly and there are amazing people in the world but the doubt always hangs over. It's just another way that Stargardt's has affected my life and I'm sure others lives as well.

Being Legally Blind

I found out last week that I am classified as legally blind. I have actually been legally blind for some time but did not know.

I think I knew in the back of mind that I was, after all I can only read the big letter on the eye chart and if I don't have glasses on the world is a foggy blur, yet I wasn't ready to actually KNOW I was legally blind. I phoned my optometrist to find out my sight and it is 6/60 (20/200).

It's crazy to think I am "legally blind" as I live my life almost as if I would if  I had perfect vision. I have a job in a hospital, I'm studying a masters degree and I like to think I can appreciate nature around me. It made me realise that I, like so many other people, had the perception that if you are blind, you see nothing and you struggle in basic daily activities. How wrong that is!

It is actually quite amazing how much I have subconsciously adapted to my condition. It took a few years for my diagnosis and I probably had the condition way before that. I think because I didn't know what was wrong I found ways to do everything, like read by using my peripheral. I wasn't even aware that I was doing it! It does cause me strain and I have constant headaches but I will find a way to rid myself of them!

Just because I am legally blind doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I want in life, I just have to find a different way to get to it.